Not Meant to Fly Solo

So in my last blog post, I dropped a bit of a bomb on many people in my circle. While it was not even supposed to be about me in the larger perspective, my confession and appeal to encourage love in that way did affect me and those close to me. We are all interconnected and this is never more evident than when you assert independence or separate from the flock.

Truth is, I desire this connection, despite the fact that it is painful in moments to be a part of something you often feel so divergent from as an individual. I have never easily identified with my peers, although I have many things in common with them and have a sort of love for everyone I meet. I don’t often find myself “like” everyone else. For this reason I have always been a bit of a floater, friends with many different groups, not identifying completely with one. This can at times leave you feeling on the outside of things, like you don’t have a tribe. I realize it has largely been my own fault due to my issues with committing to one group that I don’t feel fully represents me. So I both seek connection and belonging as all humans do, yet simultaneously erect large towers of separation and perceived safety. Commitment phobia due to a fear of being “boxed in” can often lead to loneliness and these “towers of safety” can instead bring isolation. I have seen this pattern in the lives of people I know, as it is so easy to recognize things in others. But recently I have begun to recognize more clearly my own tendency to do the same and how it’s left me wanting for something more. I have questioned myself as to why I do this and tried to change my pattern. As I become aware of the motivation behind this trend, I find it slightly easier to reconcile.

I am wired for connection, and yet deeply afraid of rejection and being judged. I am also easily bored and annoyed by social conformity, yet like everyone I am somewhat prone to it at times. So I guess I lean into people initially and then pull away. I see their divinity as I look into their eyes and bear witness to our shared humanity and at first connection is easy, but later I avoid overly identifying with them. I know some of this stems from childhood and adult life relational wounds and is an effort at self protection. As a child I had very little power or voice and then as an adult found myself in toxic relationships that eroded my power and autonomy. Due to this I have learned to guard myself from connecting to the point of needing someone too much. It’s a push/pull that is unhealthy in its oscillation from high intensity to complete apathy. I will never get the deep connection I desire when I hide behind giant walls and move away from those with whom I desire to connect. So I am learning to have healthy boundaries, but keep open doors towards connection.

One thing I have been told is that I can be intense and emotionally heavy at times. Just reading the last 3 paragraphs proves that. But that is not where I desire to stay. It is merely the cocoon sometimes required prior to the free flying stage of being the butterfly I am truly designed to be. The girl I remember from my childhood before everything hard happened in life, lived this way. She was imaginative, spinning through fields of wildflowers, dress blowing in the wind, and head floating in the clouds. Her heart was unimpeded by any notion of dangers that would keep her from her dreams. She is still in me, and lives freely in moments. My children and my closest friends have witnessed her, but it hasn’t always felt safe or appropriate for her to dance in wild abandonment on the regular. I have seemed to become more the warrior version of myself, fighting against the injustices in the world for both myself and others. This too may be part of my purpose, but I don’t want to fight alone. I want a tribe I can feel safe with which will both fight along side of me and allow that little girl to thrive once again in their company.

I have begun seeking this tribe with intention and surrounding myself with friends that push me to reach my potential, yet allow me to be completely real. They allow me to be all of me, yet desire the best version of me. They draw this version out of me with their own authenticity and complete acceptance. They speak over me the beauty that they see in me, yet also boldly let me know when I am acting outside of that. But when I trip and fall, they don’t remind me I am on the ground, they just offer me a hand. This is the kind of friend I am trying to be and these are the friends I am so very grateful for in life.

So I am going to continue to seek connection and offer the same as I choose to remain optimistic in my perspective. Realism lacks imagination, pessimism is corrosive and while optimism may occasionally hinge on delusion, it is the only real option left for creating the future of my dreams. I am being honest about who I am with all and authentic in my efforts to live my best life. I will continue to nurture those in my life who are doing the same and in the process build my tribe of those seeking to accomplish great things in the world, while still being true to themselves.

So while transparency and authenticity are necessary primary ingredients in this journey, it is also helpful to be open to the feedback and constructive criticism of those who care about you. Not everyone deserves a voice in your life, but being receptive to the viewpoints of others can augment your ability to see yourself clearly. However, it is important to process this feedback through a filter of utility. Do not allow the opinions of others to become a record that you play on repeat in your head as a negative message about yourself. Filter it through the wisdom of truth, but also choose to see it in a way that helps you change only if that change is both needed and possible. If something is in your hard wiring recognize it may not be all bad. There is a duality to everything and one side may be negative, but what benefit does it offer? Recognize all the good in life and all the good in you. Don’t miss the bigger picture. We each have something unique to offer the world that no one else can. You have a unique way of feeling and perceiving the world and an imagination that is creative enough to change the energy within you and around you. With this energy you can change the world.

So if someone tells you that you’re too intense, recognize that you are powerful. When you’re told you’re too emotional, realize that empathy allows you to tune into the energy and emotions of others and move them. If you are told that you’re quirky or eccentric, realize that you’re creative and rare. Embrace your soul and mind as it is the only one of its kind and it has an individual purpose. You’re able to change the world with your positive energy and imagination. Make sure to wield your power in that light. Look at each obstacle as an opportunity. Be open minded, exploring and trying new things and doing your part to manifest what only you can. Being this type of person makes you a magnet. Conversely, putting too much focus on obstacles or focusing on the inevitable tragedies of life can make you a repellant. Recognize what you’re doing and if repelling others with negativity or problem focused energy, then own that and change your attitude and direction.

Be intentional.

Similarly, if you find you’re attaching yourself to others because you haven’t yet learned to exercise the muscle of your own imagination and gain clarity in your own dreams, take a step back. You want a tribe, but not at the expense of yourself. Be who no one else can be, be you. You might have to figure out who that is first, but be honest. Those who see you clearly and stay in your life, that’s your true tribe. It’s worth being alone for a season to find the right crowd to run in, the right warriors to fight your battles along side and the right free spirits to soar the skies. Be the co-creator of your life and destiny. God is the Creator, but He made you creative too. Love is the reason for everything, but allow Him (Love) to enjoy watching His creation do what He created you to do. Be freely and completely you.

If you’re honest and stay open, you’ll never really be alone.

PS:

To those still in my life, encouraging me, seeing me through eyes of love and acceptance and challenging me to be my best, thank you. You are worth your weight in gold.