That Which We Call a Rose

“Once you label me you negate me.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

This statement could be dissected and argued many different directions, but I conclude that what Kierkegaard likely meant is that to give a definition to something is to remove it from its essence, to box it in and over simplify it. A more modern less intellectualized version of this is found in the closing narration in the movie the Breakfast Club.

Brian Johnson: Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us - in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain...

Andrew Clark: ...and an athlete...

Allison Reynolds: ...and a basket case...

Claire Standish: ...a princess...

John Bender: ...and a criminal...

Brian Johnson: Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club.

We often want to see one another “in the simplest terms and most convenient definitions” and then walk away feeling comfortable with our perspectives and almost dismissive of the greater complexities. But each of us is more intricate and more multifaceted than a label would allow. It is only in truly experiencing that one can know what a label really means anyways. What I mean is you can call water many different names or even identify it by its chemical components, H2O, but it is not until you jump into the pool, stand under the waterfall or drink down the glass full that you truly experience it. Similarly you can call someone Republican, Asian, Christian, Pro-Choice, Transgender, Canadian or any other number of labels, and think that you know exactly what you’re dealing with based on your personal opinions related to each of those definitions. However, if you have a conversation, play a game with or create a piece of artwork with an individual you will have a much greater knowledge of who they are based on your experience. Even then, you only know them through the lens of your small interaction and there are many other facets that would take a lifetime to explore.

I am learning that I have allowed this human need to label and categorize to erode my understanding of myself and others. In the process I have limited my freedom to enjoy and discover everything about who I am and get to know more fully the others in my life. Becoming a physician honed this ability to categorize and define, as it is often necessary to get to the root of a diagnosis or make a judgement. However at the same time, the greater exposure to people of all backgrounds, nationalities, religions and experiences has helped me realize the limitations of labels at truly identifying who someone is at their essence and helped to destroy some previously held biases. So I have learned that any time I find myself labeling someone or uncomfortable with a label put on me, I need to question what is going on internally. Am I being dismissive of someone who is frustrating me or confusing me when I am labeling them? Am I feeling boxed in or misunderstood when someone else labels me? What feelings am I trying to avoid? What advantage and disadvantage does labeling this person grant? What is the bigger picture I am missing here? We clearly have this human tendency to put one another in boxes and then neatly stack them on the shelves of our personal biases. This very human tendency can often times become dehumanizing. Understanding both what causes us to label ourselves and others and what causes us to recoil at being labeled in certain ways helps us to transcend the limitation imposed by this categorization. In the end it comes down to identity and how we allow ourselves to see others and be seen. It is important to the way we treat ourselves and to how we treat others.

Today is National Coming Out Day and it has made me think about the complexity of such a process as coming out to express your truth to the world openly and proudly. This younger generation has become more comfortable with a plethora of labels that frankly I have had to google in order to understand more clearly. They are also more comfortable with blanket statements that keep any label from really applying to them at all. There are many words such as agender, binary, cisgender, gender fluid, gender queer, gender questioning, gender nonconforming, non-binary, passing, queer, transgender, transexual, transitioning, two-spirit, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual and more. I feel there are obvious benefits to the expression of these terms as it allows others to explain themselves and their lives to people who would have no other way of understanding their experiences. Some of the broader terms allow people who felt limited by other definitions to liberate themselves from the confines of those inadequate terms. Just as Pride Day allows people to openly reclaim their identity and value, National Coming Out Day, allows a platform for people to unabashedly reclaim their humanity to those who have previously used labels to imprison them to bias and social injustice. I am for this. The assertion that every human has value and everyone should be allowed to be themselves and feel that they are equally human and equally valuable to humanity is something very few people would deny when phrased this way. But, many people do not want it in “their backyard” or “thrown in their face”. Those who feel threatened by Pride events and feel it is part of an agenda against social conservatism and traditional values, fail to see that "pride" is necessary to reclaim basic inalienable rights to those who have felt the threat of violence, social alienation and rejection simply for existing as themselves. I have discovered how my own social conditioning, background and personal biases kept me from seeing this clearly in the past. Knowing this, I have sought ways to be more intentional and inclusive in both my efforts to know and love people from all walks of life and to teach my children how to be inclusive in their language and behavior.

So while I am trying to be more aware of the right way to speak about myself and others, I also crave a time in our future where such a thing would be unnecessary. What I mean is that you do not have to publicly claim a label or definition to assert your value, that just by virtue of being human we would all grant one another the reckoning that should be associated with the intrinsic value of this condition. I desire a time where we could look into the eyes of another and instead of needing a term or label for them simply see in them a little piece of ourselves and our shared connection to our Creator, our Source. It would be beautiful if we did not need to distance ourselves from others by defining them, but instead pull one another close with a recognition of our shared divinity. We could fully allow their essence to be just as it is without constructing a box of a label around them for our own comfort or theirs.

I may be in the minority here, but that is my heart. Being someone who also does not really find any of these terms accurate to describe me may be a part of this feeling. I have desired to be true to myself completely which started a journey of trying to understand my experiences through the lens of other people’s terms and definitions. To be honest this was relatively terrifying for me initially and caused me to confront my own biases. I didn’t want to be a “lesbian” because I didn’t like the emotions and images that label evoked in me, but also did not want to deny that truth if it was an accurate statement about me. I began my journey by trying to honestly revisit every experience and relationship I ever had and ask myself if there were undertones or suppressed desires associated with those interactions. I was brutally honest with myself and it took effort to go back all the way to my childhood and see things as clearly as possible without the conditioning of seeing myself as a straight female. I know with absolute certainty that I was completely in love with and attracted to my ex-husband and yet when recollecting interactions in my past I remembered being fascinated with certain women. They were usually just cool older chicks whom I admired for some reason or edgy hippie musician types that seemed to represent a version of myself I had not yet explored. They were not generally sexual, but just people who lit me up inside and made me want to be near them because of a certain quality they possessed. That was until I did cross that line with a friend. That was different. It was a relationship that had started as admiration as she recognized that I had overcome difficult seasons of life that she was just beginning as someone a decade younger. I understood it all as this and genuinely just desired to be a friend and encouragement to her. There was a shift and it was so subtle that it was almost imperceptible at first. Once I realized where her head was at, I became intrigued, but my heart was still just to be a good friend to her. It definitely changed into much more and opened a gate to a side of me that must have existed prior because it was very strong and not something I could easily turn off, despite my motivation to go a different direction for every other logical reason. I fell in love with her, and will always love her, despite it not being the right choice for me to pursue for many reasons. So since this time I have been at a loss as to how to identify myself accurately and honestly. But then I wonder, for what reason do I need to feel compelled to “identify” a certain way. Is this for me? Is this for others? Is it even accurate to say that I am lesbian? Not really. If anything I would be bisexual. But quite truthfully I am not seeing men or women right this minute. I am a sexual person who has chosen to be celibate for several reasons, primarily because of my faith and belief that at this time in my life it is the best thing for my soul. I am still learning to fully love and accept myself and do not need to merge with another while not yet strongly possessing my own identity.

That leads to the main point, which is identity. Does one’s identity stem from a label or is a label to identify someone limiting and in its simplicity distracting from their true essence? My desire for myself during this season of growth and self exploration is to know me at my essence, beyond a definition or convenient label. I believe when I am operating out of this place, I am fully free to be me and subconsciously invite others around me to do the same. This requires effort, reflection, meditation, time alone and self care. I am learning to trust myself fully and cushion myself from needing the approval of others. I am learning to recognize my past wounds as such and allow time and intention for healing. I am learning to treat myself as a whole instead of the sum of my parts and I am finding it easier to see others this way as well. I can be very intolerant of intolerance and can in the process label another as a bigot or small-minded. I have called people names like a narcissist or diagnosed them as bipolar and not as a physician, but as someone who finds their patterns unpalatable and so decide they fit this bill. Even if this would be an accurate description, I recognize in attaching this label I have limited the exchange of love between us. Whether it be a homeless stranger, a family member, a co-worker or someone who vehemently dislikes me for whatever reason, there is something beautiful, worthy and divine within everyone if I take the time to look. What if instead of focusing on distasteful traits and assigning a convenient label, I focus on the whole of who a person is at their divine essence? Having boundaries is still necessary and this is a whole new conversation, but overall looking for the good in everyone I meet is the goal. I believe when I choose to look at people this way I will connect in love to them. This is what I desire it to mean when I say, Love Wins!

I am not afraid to stand with others any longer under a rainbow and recognize that I share many things besides my humanity with people who identify as LGBTQ, but I also do not need to subject myself to simple terms or convenient definitions. I am after all still blooming and whatever I become I will still be me. I pray that whatever you might be inclined to call me, I’d be as the rose with a fragrance pleasing no matter my name.